She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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