Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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