Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
