Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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