Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
