Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
