I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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