I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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