you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
