She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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