No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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