Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
