They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
