Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
