Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
