I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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