he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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