u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
