I bet he comes in French.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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