oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize