Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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