Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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