I think i sorta joined a cult last night
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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