I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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