He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
