It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
