I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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