hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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