theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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