last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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