i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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