You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
