Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
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At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
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Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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