If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
