She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
