WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
