I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
