false alarm. still invincible.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
