I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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