Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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