I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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