I'm gonna have a badass scar
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
