sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
