Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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