im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
