im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
