I like to think it a success when the cops are called
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
