I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I can't trust your balls anymore.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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