i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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