Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
