shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
