He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
