Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
