im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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