Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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