considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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