What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
