My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
