Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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